Hi voltaire-
You are in a sticky situation, my friend. And really, there are only 4 options:
1) you could go back (not likely. but, there are LOTS of people who fake it for MANY YEARS with a great deal of success, just going through the motions)
2) you could leave your wife (not very plesant either. this is like abandoning her to the wolves.)
3) your wife could leave you (the elders WILL urge her to do this if you decide to "get some things off your chest" in a meeting with them. Or if you trip up while walking through the minefield they will set for you. Thet will try to get you to say something to hang you with. Plus, 2 on 1 is NEVER fair. That is why meeting with the elders is VERY risky no matter how good you think you are in a debate.)
or
4) you could get your wife out too. And this method involves interacting with her, to convince her to make a major life change. And that is hard to do if you are DF'd or DA'd (the likely outcome from meeting with the elders, period). And if you get DA'd or DF'd, she will probably leave you anyhow.
The best option for that is the slow fade, which involves:
1) avoiding meeting with the elders. Or if they pin you down, then make sure your wife is there as a witness.
2) Explain (only if cornered) your decreased activity as "really busy right now" or "kind of depressed right now." Ephasize that you plan to return to full activity "real soon." Try to stay non-specific as possible.
With slow fade, you give yourself opertunity to keep your wife and get you both out too. Slowly introduce "new light" about the organization to her. Always frame it as a question, something "Gee honey, I just don't understand this. Could you explain it to me." Plenty of examples out there for this.
but, GO SLOWLY S-L-O-W-L-Y. This "new light" about the organization will trigger built-in programming to shut down her mind. But, it can be done. it will not be easy, but there are plenty of resoruces out there to help you, including the collective wisdom on this board. Hope this helps. sorry about the length. but, I have personally heard experiences of those who went in "guns-a-blazin" and regretted it later. Even some I know personally.
It makes me angry that you have to be lie and decieve. But, the GB and WT are the masters of deception. Remember, these amoral assholes will shield child molesters who rape innocent children because it hurts their booksales. It is a "spiritual warfare." They even condone lying when it serves their twisted ends. The elders do not care if they make your wife leave you -- they only care about $$$$ from the booksales. but, no matter how angry this makes you, DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE ANGER AND LASH BACK AT THEM. This puts them in control over you. Instead, vote silently with your feet (like so many are today) and stay in control.
You said you want to go your own way. They will let you go your own way, but will make you wish you didn't. I can only advocate that you weigh the consequences before you act.
but the choice is ultimately yours.
uncy
[edited to fix a few typos and to give credit to JT. He has the BEST advice when it comes to this subject. but, he would say something like this. Only he is a silky smooth brother so it would sound much better. :-)